In the Company of My Purpose

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I am a frightened man.

I am afraid that I will be unable to make my thoughts into words that will make my meaning clear to you and invite you to join me in my conviction.

And if I am unable to do so, I will be diminished and worth less.

I am afraid that if I fail to effectively share my mind with you, that you will think I am a silly ninny and I will be diminished, worth less, and alone.

So I have been an impulsive man – acting without regard to the consequences of my choosing – acting in the absence of mindfully setting the course of my life.

Wrapped in the protection of my impulses, I rushed through my frightenedness – I was free from my fear.

But speeding along on impulse, I disregarded the power of my mind and my courage.

I diminished myself and was worth less.

And I diminished myself because I created unconsidered consequences that wounded me and others.

My impulsiveness left me diminished, worth less, alone, and still afraid.

So I became an arrogant man. I trusted only myself.

Knowing that I had diminished you, you diminished and rejected me.

When I tallied the score, I was diminished, worth less, alone, and still afraid.

I considered trusting you and I became even more afraid.

If I trust and place my worth in your hands – If I give up my efforts to control the me you hold in your mind – you may reward me and I will feel safe.

But if I feel safe in this way, I will know also that I depend on you for my safety.

Because I would depend on you for my safety I would feel diminished and worth less and still afraid that you would change your mind and think me a silly ninny.

And I would be alone.

For years I pin balled among these four – fear, impulsiveness, arrogance, dependent trust.

And always on payday I felt diminished, worth less, alone, and still afraid.

But I saw no other path. Only thick forest inhabited by nasty beasts.

I begin to see the other path lately.

The path on which I trust myself and act in humility.

The path on which I work honestly in hope and fear.

The path on which I consider the creative impulse and implement its spirit in mindful purpose.

The path on which I balance my respect for myself with my respect for you and trust that what happens in you reflects who you are and not who I am.

This is a slower path and I am not so far along. But the stones are smooth and the grade is gentle and there are patches of sunshine at pleasing intervals.

So, I remain frightened man.

My intent is to make my thoughts into words that you can understand if you are able and inclined.

I make my invitation knowing that you may choose a conviction different from mine.

I work to know that your choice does not determine my worth.

I work to know that if you think I am a silly ninny, I will continue on my path undiminished, worthy, and in the company of my purpose.

 

 

 

 

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